Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Psychoanalysis in Film Theory
compiled by Chayan Ray
The concepts of psychoanalysis have been applied to films in various ways. However, the 1970s and 1980s saw the development of theory that took concepts developed by the French psychoanalyst and writer Jacques Lacan and applied them to the experience of watching a film. The film viewer is seen as the subject of a "gaze" that is largely "constructed" by the film itself, where what is on screen becomes the object of that subject's desire.
Laura Mulvey's article engaged in no empirical research on film audiences. She instead stated that she intended to make a "political use" of Freud and Lacan, and then used some of their concepts to argue that the cinematic apparatus of classical Hollywood cinema inevitably put the spectator in a masculine subject position, with the figure of the woman on screen as the object of desire. In the era of classical Hollywood cinema, viewers were encouraged to identify with the protagonist of the film, who tended to be a man. Meanwhile, Hollywood female characters of the 1950s and 60s were, according to Mulvey, coded with "to-be-looked-at-ness." Mulvey suggests that there were two distinct modes of the male gaze of this era: "voyeuristic" (i.e. seeing women as 'whores') and "fetishistic" (i.e. seeing women as 'madonnas').
=> Mulvey incorporates the idea of phallocentrism (presense of the male phallus/penis) into "Visual Pleasure and Narrative Cinema". Specifically relating the phallocentric theory to film, Mulvey insists on the idea that film and cinematography are inadvertently structured upon the ideas and values of a patriarchy. The male still has a fear in the form of a castration threat, and sometimes looks at a woman's body, devoid of a phallus, and becomes insecure.
=> Within her essay, Mulvey discusses several different types of spectatorship that occur while viewing a film. Viewing a film involves subconsciously engaging in the understanding of male and female roles. The "three different looks", as they are referred to, explain just exactly how films are viewed in relation to phallocentrism. The first "look" refers to the camera as it records the actual events of the film. The second "look" describes the nearly voyeuristic act of the audience as one engages in watching the film itself. Lastly, the third "look" refers to the characters that interact with one another throughout the film.
=> The main idea that seems to bring these actions together is that "looking" is generally seen as an active male role while the passive role of being looked at is immediately adopted as a female characteristic. It is under the construction of patriarchy that Mulvey argues that women in film are tied to desire and that female characters hold an "appearance coded for strong visual and erotic impact". The female actor is never meant to represent a character that directly effects the outcome of a plot or keep the story line going, but is inserted into the film as a way of supporting the male role and "bearing the burden of sexual objectification" that he cannot.
=> The concepts of psychoanalysis have been applied to films in various ways. However, the 1970s and 1980s saw the development of theory that took concepts developed by the French psychoanalyst and writer Jacques Lacan and applied them to the experience of watching a film.
The film viewer is seen as the subject of a "gaze" that is largely "constructed" by the film itself, where what is on screen becomes the object of that subject's desire.
The viewing subject may be offered particular identifications (usually with a leading male character) from which to watch. The theory stresses the subject's longing for a completeness which the film may appear to offer through identification with an image; in fact, according to Lacanian theory, identification with the image is never anything but an illusion and the subject is always split simply by virtue of coming into existence.
=> In the essay "Visual Pleasure and Narrative Cinema", Laura Mulvey introduced the concept of The Male Gaze as a feature of power asymmetry. Theoretically, the male gaze has much influenced feminist film theory and communications media studies.
The male gaze's defining characteristic is that the viewing audience are forced to regard the action and characters of a text from the perspective of a heterosexual man; the camera lingers on the curves of a woman's body, and events occurring 1 to women are presented mostly in the context of a man's reacting to said events. The male gaze denies women human agency, relegating them to the status of objects, hence, the woman reader and the woman viewer must experience 2 the text's narrative secondarily, by identifying with a man's perspective, the male gaze.
"Visual Pleasure and Narrative Cinema" further says that sexism can exist not only in the content of a text, but also in how the text is presented, and in its implications about its expected audience. Extending the previous, theorists note the degree to which people are encouraged to gaze at women in advertising that sexualizes a woman's body even when the woman's body is unrelated to the advertised product.
=> In Feminist Theory, the Male Gaze expresses an asymmetric (unequal) power relationship, between viewer and viewed, gazer and gazed, i.e. man imposes his unwanted (objectifying) gaze upon woman. Second Wave feminists argue that whether or not women welcome the gaze, they might merely be conforming to the hegemonic norms established to benefit the interests of men — thus underscoring the the power of the male gaze to reduce a person (man or woman) to an object.
=> The Gaze and psychoanalysis (important)
Child development theorist, Jacques Lacan established that the concept of the gaze is important in "the mirror stage" of infantile psychologic development; children gaze at a mirror image of themselves (a twin sibling might function as the mirror-image), and use that image to co-ordinate their physical movements. He linked the concept of the gaze to the development of individual human agency. To that end, he transformed the the gaze to a dialectic, between the Ideal-Ego and the Ego-Ideal. The ideal-ego is the imagined self-identification image — whom the person imagines him- or herself to be or aspires to be; whilst the ego-ideal is the imaginary gaze of another person gazing upon the ideal-ego, e.g. a rock star (an Ideal-ego) secretly hoping his/her school-era bully-tormentor (Ego-ideal) is now aware of his/her (the rock star) subsequent success and fame, since school times.
Lacan further developed his concept of the gaze, saying that it does not belong to the subject but, rather, to the object of the gaze. In Seminar One, Lacan told the audience: "I can feel myself under the gaze of someone whose eyes I do not see, not even discern. All that is necessary is for something to signify to me that there may be others there. This window, if it gets a bit dark, and if I have reasons for thinking that there is someone behind it, is straight-away a gaze".
=> The mirror stage (important) describes the formation of the Ego via the process of identification, the Ego being the result of identifying with one's own specular image. At six months the baby still lacks coordination, however, they can recognize themselves in the mirror before attaining control over their bodily movements. The child sees their image as a whole, and the synthesis of this image produces a sense of contrast with the uncoordination of the body, which is perceived as a fragmented body. This contrast is first felt by the infant as a rivalry with their own image, because the wholeness of the image threatens them with fragmentation, and thus the mirror stage gives rise to an aggressive tension between the subject and the image. To resolve this aggressive tension, the subject identifies with the image: this primary identification with the counterpart is what forms the Ego. (Dylan Evans, op.cit) The moment of identification is to Lacan a moment of jubilation since it leads to an imaginary sense of mastery. (Écrits, "The Mirror Stage") Yet, the jubilation may also be accompanied by a depressive reaction, when the infant compares his own precarious sense of mastery with the omnipotence of the mother. (La relation d'objet) This identification also involves the ideal ego which functions as a promise of future wholeness sustaining the Ego in anticipation.
The mirror stage shows that the Ego is the product of misunderstanding - Lacan's term "méconnaissance" implies a false recognition - and the place where the subject becomes alienated from himself: the process by which the ego is formed in the Mirror Stage is at the same time the institution of alienation from the symbolic determination of being. In this sense méconnaissance is an imaginary misrecognition of a symbolic knowledge that the subject possesses somewhere. It must be emphasized again that the Mirror Stage introduces the subject into the Imaginary order.
chainz06@gmail.com
The concepts of psychoanalysis have been applied to films in various ways. However, the 1970s and 1980s saw the development of theory that took concepts developed by the French psychoanalyst and writer Jacques Lacan and applied them to the experience of watching a film. The film viewer is seen as the subject of a "gaze" that is largely "constructed" by the film itself, where what is on screen becomes the object of that subject's desire.
Laura Mulvey's article engaged in no empirical research on film audiences. She instead stated that she intended to make a "political use" of Freud and Lacan, and then used some of their concepts to argue that the cinematic apparatus of classical Hollywood cinema inevitably put the spectator in a masculine subject position, with the figure of the woman on screen as the object of desire. In the era of classical Hollywood cinema, viewers were encouraged to identify with the protagonist of the film, who tended to be a man. Meanwhile, Hollywood female characters of the 1950s and 60s were, according to Mulvey, coded with "to-be-looked-at-ness." Mulvey suggests that there were two distinct modes of the male gaze of this era: "voyeuristic" (i.e. seeing women as 'whores') and "fetishistic" (i.e. seeing women as 'madonnas').
=> Mulvey incorporates the idea of phallocentrism (presense of the male phallus/penis) into "Visual Pleasure and Narrative Cinema". Specifically relating the phallocentric theory to film, Mulvey insists on the idea that film and cinematography are inadvertently structured upon the ideas and values of a patriarchy. The male still has a fear in the form of a castration threat, and sometimes looks at a woman's body, devoid of a phallus, and becomes insecure.
=> Within her essay, Mulvey discusses several different types of spectatorship that occur while viewing a film. Viewing a film involves subconsciously engaging in the understanding of male and female roles. The "three different looks", as they are referred to, explain just exactly how films are viewed in relation to phallocentrism. The first "look" refers to the camera as it records the actual events of the film. The second "look" describes the nearly voyeuristic act of the audience as one engages in watching the film itself. Lastly, the third "look" refers to the characters that interact with one another throughout the film.
=> The main idea that seems to bring these actions together is that "looking" is generally seen as an active male role while the passive role of being looked at is immediately adopted as a female characteristic. It is under the construction of patriarchy that Mulvey argues that women in film are tied to desire and that female characters hold an "appearance coded for strong visual and erotic impact". The female actor is never meant to represent a character that directly effects the outcome of a plot or keep the story line going, but is inserted into the film as a way of supporting the male role and "bearing the burden of sexual objectification" that he cannot.
=> The concepts of psychoanalysis have been applied to films in various ways. However, the 1970s and 1980s saw the development of theory that took concepts developed by the French psychoanalyst and writer Jacques Lacan and applied them to the experience of watching a film.
The film viewer is seen as the subject of a "gaze" that is largely "constructed" by the film itself, where what is on screen becomes the object of that subject's desire.
The viewing subject may be offered particular identifications (usually with a leading male character) from which to watch. The theory stresses the subject's longing for a completeness which the film may appear to offer through identification with an image; in fact, according to Lacanian theory, identification with the image is never anything but an illusion and the subject is always split simply by virtue of coming into existence.
=> In the essay "Visual Pleasure and Narrative Cinema", Laura Mulvey introduced the concept of The Male Gaze as a feature of power asymmetry. Theoretically, the male gaze has much influenced feminist film theory and communications media studies.
The male gaze's defining characteristic is that the viewing audience are forced to regard the action and characters of a text from the perspective of a heterosexual man; the camera lingers on the curves of a woman's body, and events occurring 1 to women are presented mostly in the context of a man's reacting to said events. The male gaze denies women human agency, relegating them to the status of objects, hence, the woman reader and the woman viewer must experience 2 the text's narrative secondarily, by identifying with a man's perspective, the male gaze.
"Visual Pleasure and Narrative Cinema" further says that sexism can exist not only in the content of a text, but also in how the text is presented, and in its implications about its expected audience. Extending the previous, theorists note the degree to which people are encouraged to gaze at women in advertising that sexualizes a woman's body even when the woman's body is unrelated to the advertised product.
=> In Feminist Theory, the Male Gaze expresses an asymmetric (unequal) power relationship, between viewer and viewed, gazer and gazed, i.e. man imposes his unwanted (objectifying) gaze upon woman. Second Wave feminists argue that whether or not women welcome the gaze, they might merely be conforming to the hegemonic norms established to benefit the interests of men — thus underscoring the the power of the male gaze to reduce a person (man or woman) to an object.
=> The Gaze and psychoanalysis (important)
Child development theorist, Jacques Lacan established that the concept of the gaze is important in "the mirror stage" of infantile psychologic development; children gaze at a mirror image of themselves (a twin sibling might function as the mirror-image), and use that image to co-ordinate their physical movements. He linked the concept of the gaze to the development of individual human agency. To that end, he transformed the the gaze to a dialectic, between the Ideal-Ego and the Ego-Ideal. The ideal-ego is the imagined self-identification image — whom the person imagines him- or herself to be or aspires to be; whilst the ego-ideal is the imaginary gaze of another person gazing upon the ideal-ego, e.g. a rock star (an Ideal-ego) secretly hoping his/her school-era bully-tormentor (Ego-ideal) is now aware of his/her (the rock star) subsequent success and fame, since school times.
Lacan further developed his concept of the gaze, saying that it does not belong to the subject but, rather, to the object of the gaze. In Seminar One, Lacan told the audience: "I can feel myself under the gaze of someone whose eyes I do not see, not even discern. All that is necessary is for something to signify to me that there may be others there. This window, if it gets a bit dark, and if I have reasons for thinking that there is someone behind it, is straight-away a gaze".
=> The mirror stage (important) describes the formation of the Ego via the process of identification, the Ego being the result of identifying with one's own specular image. At six months the baby still lacks coordination, however, they can recognize themselves in the mirror before attaining control over their bodily movements. The child sees their image as a whole, and the synthesis of this image produces a sense of contrast with the uncoordination of the body, which is perceived as a fragmented body. This contrast is first felt by the infant as a rivalry with their own image, because the wholeness of the image threatens them with fragmentation, and thus the mirror stage gives rise to an aggressive tension between the subject and the image. To resolve this aggressive tension, the subject identifies with the image: this primary identification with the counterpart is what forms the Ego. (Dylan Evans, op.cit) The moment of identification is to Lacan a moment of jubilation since it leads to an imaginary sense of mastery. (Écrits, "The Mirror Stage") Yet, the jubilation may also be accompanied by a depressive reaction, when the infant compares his own precarious sense of mastery with the omnipotence of the mother. (La relation d'objet) This identification also involves the ideal ego which functions as a promise of future wholeness sustaining the Ego in anticipation.
The mirror stage shows that the Ego is the product of misunderstanding - Lacan's term "méconnaissance" implies a false recognition - and the place where the subject becomes alienated from himself: the process by which the ego is formed in the Mirror Stage is at the same time the institution of alienation from the symbolic determination of being. In this sense méconnaissance is an imaginary misrecognition of a symbolic knowledge that the subject possesses somewhere. It must be emphasized again that the Mirror Stage introduces the subject into the Imaginary order.
chainz06@gmail.com
T-R-Y
It’s easy
If you try
You won’t know it
If you quit
I know
You have it in you
To be the one
I am looking for
But you don’t want to try
At all
You don’t want to try
Why?
But there’s a light
At the end of the tunnel
At the end
You will see the sky
That reminds me of my childhood
Where I used to sigh
But you would never try
You would never try
God knows why
Na na na….
If you try it
You will do it
You will do it I am so sure
You are my man
You will know
But you would never try
You would never try
Why?
I don’t know…
a-wey awwey a-wey aweey...
Monday, December 1, 2008
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Nobody cared- malena the orphaned girl
The sun never gave me light
I was strayed when I was a child
I fought with my past and here I stand
I realized my fate always told me lies
I had been abandoned a long long time ago
When I didn’t even know right from wrong
I never saw love when I needed care
Nobody was there
I had been abandoned a long long time ago
And I didn’t even know where to go
I never got love when I needed care
Nobody was there
Nobody loved me
Nobody came looking
Nobody took me in
Nobody cared
Nobody realized if I was even there
The moon was kind to me at nights
As I grew up in its light
And I hate the day as it comes along
I hate the sun
I had been abandoned a long long time ago
And I didn’t even know why I was there
Squinting as the sun shone on them
I don’t even remember when
I was strayed when I was a child
I fought with my past and here I stand
I realized my fate always told me lies
I had been abandoned a long long time ago
When I didn’t even know right from wrong
I never saw love when I needed care
Nobody was there
I had been abandoned a long long time ago
And I didn’t even know where to go
I never got love when I needed care
Nobody was there
Nobody loved me
Nobody came looking
Nobody took me in
Nobody cared
Nobody realized if I was even there
The moon was kind to me at nights
As I grew up in its light
And I hate the day as it comes along
I hate the sun
I had been abandoned a long long time ago
And I didn’t even know why I was there
Squinting as the sun shone on them
I don’t even remember when
Saturday, November 22, 2008
27
and when you knocked on my door
you heard no one answer
but you chose to look through the key hole
to witness disaster
a blood stained wall!
you called for help...
but no one really cared
you almost ran away from there...
but when you broke open the door
someone was lying on your way cold on the floor...
a messed up room, drugs and a letter
with scribbled lines of hate and pain
and a shot gun lying neatly on the tile
moments later you'd spot the pen!
my blonde hair had turned crimson red
the nerves in my temple tangled and tied
but i had a smile on my wounded face
and a shine in my deep blue eyes.
a decade is gone
but the memoirs are fresh
i lived long at 27
and attained nirvana my way
but taught you the secret of the game
"its better to burn out than fade away"
you heard no one answer
but you chose to look through the key hole
to witness disaster
a blood stained wall!
you called for help...
but no one really cared
you almost ran away from there...
but when you broke open the door
someone was lying on your way cold on the floor...
a messed up room, drugs and a letter
with scribbled lines of hate and pain
and a shot gun lying neatly on the tile
moments later you'd spot the pen!
my blonde hair had turned crimson red
the nerves in my temple tangled and tied
but i had a smile on my wounded face
and a shine in my deep blue eyes.
a decade is gone
but the memoirs are fresh
i lived long at 27
and attained nirvana my way
but taught you the secret of the game
"its better to burn out than fade away"
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
I'm an Englishman in New York
It's the fourth day in Bombay, but it seems like it's been ages since I left home. Nothing is different really; I have a tv at home, a comp on my office desk, the same songs on my mobile that I always listened to at home…oh I don't have my guitar here though. I have practically got everything here in Bombay so that I don't feel lonely, but I long to smell the flavor of my own home, my own city. I always try to find similarities between the two cities, but most of the times I am left unsatisfied.
It's a new beginning for me and I will have to learn to deal with life alone. No one's going to help me. I will have to stop missing my roots, my origin, my past, my family. But still I somehow don't want to be like that. I miss my family even if I don't see them for a week. I miss my mom the most. Though I don't see my dad much at home because he's transferred to patna for 4 years. So its only 2 times a month that he comes over, and I miss him a lot. I even miss the pointless and often aggressive arguments with my brother. Man how I hate it when he goes out wearing my favourite pair of jeans or sneakers!
I miss the little sparrow that comes and sits coyly on my balcony mirror-shelf…and admires itself all day long. My mom serves it breakfast and dinner and it nicely finishes it off neatly. Sometimes it comes with a fellow bird, and they chitter-chatter happily, sharing gossips and friendly humour between themselves.
I miss my room where I would spend hours sleeping or lazing away watching t.v. My daily dose of useless net-surfing, the online guitar lessons, the daily practicing of newly learnt guitar riffs…and not getting them right most of the times, and torturing my neighbours with my untrained voice as I sing out loud.
I miss my college I miss chatting up with my friends in person. I miss a certain someone, for whom I have sung so many songs- but all to myself. I miss the Calcutta rain, the pollution, the bong accented English all across the street. The food! O how I miss the food! You get crap in the name of food in Bombay.
lets end here now...i have work to finish!!! Damn!
It's a new beginning for me and I will have to learn to deal with life alone. No one's going to help me. I will have to stop missing my roots, my origin, my past, my family. But still I somehow don't want to be like that. I miss my family even if I don't see them for a week. I miss my mom the most. Though I don't see my dad much at home because he's transferred to patna for 4 years. So its only 2 times a month that he comes over, and I miss him a lot. I even miss the pointless and often aggressive arguments with my brother. Man how I hate it when he goes out wearing my favourite pair of jeans or sneakers!
I miss the little sparrow that comes and sits coyly on my balcony mirror-shelf…and admires itself all day long. My mom serves it breakfast and dinner and it nicely finishes it off neatly. Sometimes it comes with a fellow bird, and they chitter-chatter happily, sharing gossips and friendly humour between themselves.
I miss my room where I would spend hours sleeping or lazing away watching t.v. My daily dose of useless net-surfing, the online guitar lessons, the daily practicing of newly learnt guitar riffs…and not getting them right most of the times, and torturing my neighbours with my untrained voice as I sing out loud.
I miss my college I miss chatting up with my friends in person. I miss a certain someone, for whom I have sung so many songs- but all to myself. I miss the Calcutta rain, the pollution, the bong accented English all across the street. The food! O how I miss the food! You get crap in the name of food in Bombay.
lets end here now...i have work to finish!!! Damn!
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
...
chayan, have fun in bombay.
hmmm yea but then we wont get much time to have fun there.
i am sure you will!
hmmm yea but then we wont get much time to have fun there.
i am sure you will!
Monday, September 29, 2008
As you like it
Recently I attended a seminar held at the American Centre where we were forced to contemplate on many out-of-the-box issues. We had a renowned doctor as a guest speaker for the seminar and it was a pretty good experience dealing with such issues based on bias, emotions, logic, conscience, rights and wrongs. So here's a little in-sight to the pretty serious Tête-à-tête between the members of the pannel, about what’s right and what’s wrong!
“Sir I have a question” a young man, probably in his early tweens, raised his hand desperately. By the look on his face one could say that he was really craving to ask his question. Dr. Jutshi, the renowned psychoanalyst and psychiatrist was greeted by a host of other hands from all over the dimly lit up auditorium. But the look on that young man’s face couldn’t be missed even by the doctor.
“Yes there, you- the young man in blue shirt please.” His voice as soft as a murmur echoed loudly from his microphone.
“Sir, I might be wrong, but what would you do when emotions guide you over your conscience? Do you think being faithful or loyal to someone could bring in the emotions at play and overshadow the conscience?” the young man asked the doctor.
“Now, speaking of an action guided by emotions is perfectly natural but I am afraid it’s not rational or logical. But unfortunately most of the time the actions driven by emotions and not logic and the sense of right and wrong, are not the correct actions. For instance, maybe you are loyal to your friend to such an extent that if he is hit by someone, you will defend him and maybe take revenge for him. Now being faithful and loyal is alright but the revenge guided by your emotions might not be the right action.”
“Sir, but what is right? Don’t you think it’s a fair judgment to take revenge? Don’t you think by taking revenge I am doing the right thing?”
“Well if you ask me, I would completely agree with you, but that doesn’t mean that I would be doing the right thing there!” the doctor answered
“Well, sir to talk about the Nazi Germany during the world wars. The mass murder of the uncountable Jews by the German soldiers, will you call that right?”
“Why don’t you give me the answer to it!” the doctor added
“Sir I think it was absolute madness…but at least to some people it seemed right and that’s why they did it. Because…”
“Because some people thought it to be right!?? Amazing!...” the doctor cut him short “look when something is right, its nothing but right…and when something’s wrong its just wrong and nothing else. So how could you say that because a handful of crazy people thought something to be right that they were all good to carry on with the mass murder!??”
There was a silence in the auditorium. Sometimes silence comes so uninvited that it is more deafening than you could ever imagine. And then someone from the middle-right row stood up a broke the silence by adding. “Sir I agree to that completely but can I add here that sometimes logic has no meaning! And we most of the times force logic to everything!! Emotions need no logic to guide someone to go and take revenge. And I would rather say that most of the actions are more like accidents rather than logic or rational thinking! That is ‘I being Me is not logic…. but an accident!!” the crowd applauded to this and the whole hall suddenly was filled with little talks and giggles from all corners! The doctor was amused and he nodded with a sly grin on his face. At last some one was talking something that could challenge the whole knowledge out of him.
“To answer to your question, over there on my left, tell me something what would you do if you were pushed to the limit where you are compelled to act out, say for example you are a policeman and you are carrying your gun with you, and some criminal sticks a gun at your face?” the doctor snapped.
“I don’t know sir, but I would do whatever possible to save myself…and maybe if I am carrying a gun myself I will take it out and try to shoot him dead!” the young man answered.
“Nicely said, that. But son, when someone sticks a gun at your face you don’t think! You don’t think about taking out your gun and turning the table around. Everything goes numb! For all you remember are your happy memories that come flashing before your eyes. You don’t think! All the thinking comes some fifteen minutes later. Trust me I know best here.” the doctor concluded. “When a push comes to shove, you really don’t think…your logic, your reasoning does not work, and you don’t want to be right or wrong! All that’s in your mind is so fudged. You just act, you barely think!”
And what he said was absolutely true. It sometimes so happens that we are offended or are wronged, but we choose to keep quiet instead. But later on we do give it a second thought “hey what was that! that douchebag really deserved something back there! How could I not blast him off!!! arghh!!”
But that’s how things are. Maybe it’s the right thing for things to be like that! (Well I don’t have the slightest clue about what I just said there!)
Seems like a crude way to end here. But trust me I have to…its almost 1 am in the night and I am pretty red in the eyes.
“Sir I have a question” a young man, probably in his early tweens, raised his hand desperately. By the look on his face one could say that he was really craving to ask his question. Dr. Jutshi, the renowned psychoanalyst and psychiatrist was greeted by a host of other hands from all over the dimly lit up auditorium. But the look on that young man’s face couldn’t be missed even by the doctor.
“Yes there, you- the young man in blue shirt please.” His voice as soft as a murmur echoed loudly from his microphone.
“Sir, I might be wrong, but what would you do when emotions guide you over your conscience? Do you think being faithful or loyal to someone could bring in the emotions at play and overshadow the conscience?” the young man asked the doctor.
“Now, speaking of an action guided by emotions is perfectly natural but I am afraid it’s not rational or logical. But unfortunately most of the time the actions driven by emotions and not logic and the sense of right and wrong, are not the correct actions. For instance, maybe you are loyal to your friend to such an extent that if he is hit by someone, you will defend him and maybe take revenge for him. Now being faithful and loyal is alright but the revenge guided by your emotions might not be the right action.”
“Sir, but what is right? Don’t you think it’s a fair judgment to take revenge? Don’t you think by taking revenge I am doing the right thing?”
“Well if you ask me, I would completely agree with you, but that doesn’t mean that I would be doing the right thing there!” the doctor answered
“Well, sir to talk about the Nazi Germany during the world wars. The mass murder of the uncountable Jews by the German soldiers, will you call that right?”
“Why don’t you give me the answer to it!” the doctor added
“Sir I think it was absolute madness…but at least to some people it seemed right and that’s why they did it. Because…”
“Because some people thought it to be right!?? Amazing!...” the doctor cut him short “look when something is right, its nothing but right…and when something’s wrong its just wrong and nothing else. So how could you say that because a handful of crazy people thought something to be right that they were all good to carry on with the mass murder!??”
There was a silence in the auditorium. Sometimes silence comes so uninvited that it is more deafening than you could ever imagine. And then someone from the middle-right row stood up a broke the silence by adding. “Sir I agree to that completely but can I add here that sometimes logic has no meaning! And we most of the times force logic to everything!! Emotions need no logic to guide someone to go and take revenge. And I would rather say that most of the actions are more like accidents rather than logic or rational thinking! That is ‘I being Me is not logic…. but an accident!!” the crowd applauded to this and the whole hall suddenly was filled with little talks and giggles from all corners! The doctor was amused and he nodded with a sly grin on his face. At last some one was talking something that could challenge the whole knowledge out of him.
“To answer to your question, over there on my left, tell me something what would you do if you were pushed to the limit where you are compelled to act out, say for example you are a policeman and you are carrying your gun with you, and some criminal sticks a gun at your face?” the doctor snapped.
“I don’t know sir, but I would do whatever possible to save myself…and maybe if I am carrying a gun myself I will take it out and try to shoot him dead!” the young man answered.
“Nicely said, that. But son, when someone sticks a gun at your face you don’t think! You don’t think about taking out your gun and turning the table around. Everything goes numb! For all you remember are your happy memories that come flashing before your eyes. You don’t think! All the thinking comes some fifteen minutes later. Trust me I know best here.” the doctor concluded. “When a push comes to shove, you really don’t think…your logic, your reasoning does not work, and you don’t want to be right or wrong! All that’s in your mind is so fudged. You just act, you barely think!”
And what he said was absolutely true. It sometimes so happens that we are offended or are wronged, but we choose to keep quiet instead. But later on we do give it a second thought “hey what was that! that douchebag really deserved something back there! How could I not blast him off!!! arghh!!”
But that’s how things are. Maybe it’s the right thing for things to be like that! (Well I don’t have the slightest clue about what I just said there!)
Seems like a crude way to end here. But trust me I have to…its almost 1 am in the night and I am pretty red in the eyes.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
eyes of the angel(kept in sync with the song 'lips of an 'angel' by hinder)
honey why d'you never look me in the eye
why do you keep hiding those stares?
honey dont you know that i a bit too shy
will you ever understand that?
well, i saw you and i loved you
but i could never tell you
i guess we never really started off right
its really good to see your face
when your eyes are on me and it feels so good
coming from the eyes of an angel
staring me like that and it makes me drool
and i could never say how
and its hard for me to be in my senses
with the eyes of an angel...
why do you keep hiding those stares?
honey dont you know that i a bit too shy
will you ever understand that?
well, i saw you and i loved you
but i could never tell you
i guess we never really started off right
its really good to see your face
when your eyes are on me and it feels so good
coming from the eyes of an angel
staring me like that and it makes me drool
and i could never say how
and its hard for me to be in my senses
with the eyes of an angel...
Saturday, July 19, 2008
The Rembrandt Story
Arun is watching tv…
Ots of arun to the tv…
Calling bell sound
(Arun turns …and walks to the door.)
Vivek: hey you are not watching that VH1 channel again, are you?
Arun: whoa listen up you doodle-brain this is the most amazing music channel to ever happen to mankind!
Vivek: whatever… (Walks in)
Arun: yea and heard about you from bittu da yesterday…
Vivek: (turning from the t.v towards arun) heard what?
Arun: hmmm that you almost broke manish da's guitar…
Vivek: what? I so did not!
Arun: yea whatever! He’s very attached to his pet ok?
Vivek: his pet??
Arun: yeah his guitar!!!(Sarcastically)
Cut
Outdoors/dusk
Someone dialing a number on a mobile phone.
Manish: hello arun?
Arun: yes bolo manish da.
Manish: listen arun did any one call your number asking about Rembrandts industries?
Arun: nooo…I don’t think so…why??
Manish: thank god…hey listen are you free right now?
Arun: yes come up even vivek is here…
Cut
arun's apartment.
Manish pressing the door bell.
Manish: hey
Arun: hey
Vivek: hey
Arun: come on in.
Manish: so nobody called you asking for Rembrandts corner right?
Arun: wait a minute… (slaps his head and makes a sarcastic face)…noo
Manish: All right, listen closely, I was at the Watson Giants office and I told them I was very close to getting a job with Rembrandt’s Industries, and I gave them your phone number. So now, when the phone rings, you have to answer "Rembrandt’s Industries".
Vivek: hey so there’s the…
Manish: yes…there’s the plan.
Arun: so I am Rembrandts industries?
manish: right.
Arun: what is that?
Vivek: whoa that’s fun!
(Calling bell) bittu comes in.
Bittu: hey wassup?
Manish: hey
Arun, vivek: hi
Bittu: so you almost broke his guitar eh...did u?
Vivek: ofcourse not…
manish: ok guys… so back to plan…I already told you about the Rembrandts industries…u remember?
bittu: yes woah…seems serious business now huh?
Vivek: haha Rembrandts industries…can you imagine! Hahaha
Arun: so who’s gonna tell me what the heck is this Rembrandt industry?
Manish: you are in making rubber sheets
Arun: What do I do with rubber sheets?
Manish: I don't know, you manufacture it.
Bittu: Right here in this little apartment?
Arun: And what do I say about you?
Manish: You're considering hiring me for your assistant in marketing.
Arun: I'm gonna hire you as my assistant in rubber marketing? I don't think so. Why would I do that?
Manish: Because I asked you to.
Arun: If you think I'm looking for someone to just sit at a desk, pushing papers around, you can forget it. I GET ENOUGH HEADACHES JUST TRYING TO MANUFACTURE THE STUFF!!!
cut
Next day
Phone ringing at aruns apartment
Arun comes runnin from the loo…pulling up his pants and struggling with the knot at the waist… he picks up
Arun: yea hello
The other side: hello I am calling from Watson giants is this Rembrandts industry?
Arun: What..Woah…yes yes I am rembrandt..I mean this is Rembrandts industry yes.
Other side: well I need some information about your company...
Arun: umm yes go on…
Other side: well we need some information about your company’s business for our research work
Arun: ahem…ahem…
(pause)
Other side: excuse me..hello
Arun :( nervously) ya…yes our company…it is a very good company…excellent business…rubber sheet making…umm company…
Other side: right must be a good company as you mention sir…nice talking to you.
Arun: right..i didn’t catch your name there…hello hello….hel(beeepp beeepppp)….holy shit he hung up! I messed it up completely…shit manish da is gonna kill me…bhak nikuchi koreche monish da…achcha mushkil toh ami ki korbo…shesh obdhi i couldnot finish wid my morning potty!
cut
W&G office
A person muttering to himself. a sign reads on his desk "avinash mukherjee, W&G"
Weird people all over…huh? Come on but Rembrandts Industry! Rubber Sheets! Gawd! He could have done a lot better than that!
Anyway this guy Manish might have been a nut to even come up with a name like that yesterday!…But hmmm going by his overall resume I might as well reconsider giving him the job…we need crazy people like him in our company! Eh!
Cut
arun’s apartment
arun watching t.v
Phone rings
arun picks up the phone.
Arun: Yes Rembrandt industry…
Cut finis
Ots of arun to the tv…
Calling bell sound
(Arun turns …and walks to the door.)
Vivek: hey you are not watching that VH1 channel again, are you?
Arun: whoa listen up you doodle-brain this is the most amazing music channel to ever happen to mankind!
Vivek: whatever… (Walks in)
Arun: yea and heard about you from bittu da yesterday…
Vivek: (turning from the t.v towards arun) heard what?
Arun: hmmm that you almost broke manish da's guitar…
Vivek: what? I so did not!
Arun: yea whatever! He’s very attached to his pet ok?
Vivek: his pet??
Arun: yeah his guitar!!!(Sarcastically)
Cut
Outdoors/dusk
Someone dialing a number on a mobile phone.
Manish: hello arun?
Arun: yes bolo manish da.
Manish: listen arun did any one call your number asking about Rembrandts industries?
Arun: nooo…I don’t think so…why??
Manish: thank god…hey listen are you free right now?
Arun: yes come up even vivek is here…
Cut
arun's apartment.
Manish pressing the door bell.
Manish: hey
Arun: hey
Vivek: hey
Arun: come on in.
Manish: so nobody called you asking for Rembrandts corner right?
Arun: wait a minute… (slaps his head and makes a sarcastic face)…noo
Manish: All right, listen closely, I was at the Watson Giants office and I told them I was very close to getting a job with Rembrandt’s Industries, and I gave them your phone number. So now, when the phone rings, you have to answer "Rembrandt’s Industries".
Vivek: hey so there’s the…
Manish: yes…there’s the plan.
Arun: so I am Rembrandts industries?
manish: right.
Arun: what is that?
Vivek: whoa that’s fun!
(Calling bell) bittu comes in.
Bittu: hey wassup?
Manish: hey
Arun, vivek: hi
Bittu: so you almost broke his guitar eh...did u?
Vivek: ofcourse not…
manish: ok guys… so back to plan…I already told you about the Rembrandts industries…u remember?
bittu: yes woah…seems serious business now huh?
Vivek: haha Rembrandts industries…can you imagine! Hahaha
Arun: so who’s gonna tell me what the heck is this Rembrandt industry?
Manish: you are in making rubber sheets
Arun: What do I do with rubber sheets?
Manish: I don't know, you manufacture it.
Bittu: Right here in this little apartment?
Arun: And what do I say about you?
Manish: You're considering hiring me for your assistant in marketing.
Arun: I'm gonna hire you as my assistant in rubber marketing? I don't think so. Why would I do that?
Manish: Because I asked you to.
Arun: If you think I'm looking for someone to just sit at a desk, pushing papers around, you can forget it. I GET ENOUGH HEADACHES JUST TRYING TO MANUFACTURE THE STUFF!!!
cut
Next day
Phone ringing at aruns apartment
Arun comes runnin from the loo…pulling up his pants and struggling with the knot at the waist… he picks up
Arun: yea hello
The other side: hello I am calling from Watson giants is this Rembrandts industry?
Arun: What..Woah…yes yes I am rembrandt..I mean this is Rembrandts industry yes.
Other side: well I need some information about your company...
Arun: umm yes go on…
Other side: well we need some information about your company’s business for our research work
Arun: ahem…ahem…
(pause)
Other side: excuse me..hello
Arun :( nervously) ya…yes our company…it is a very good company…excellent business…rubber sheet making…umm company…
Other side: right must be a good company as you mention sir…nice talking to you.
Arun: right..i didn’t catch your name there…hello hello….hel(beeepp beeepppp)….holy shit he hung up! I messed it up completely…shit manish da is gonna kill me…bhak nikuchi koreche monish da…achcha mushkil toh ami ki korbo…shesh obdhi i couldnot finish wid my morning potty!
cut
W&G office
A person muttering to himself. a sign reads on his desk "avinash mukherjee, W&G"
Weird people all over…huh? Come on but Rembrandts Industry! Rubber Sheets! Gawd! He could have done a lot better than that!
Anyway this guy Manish might have been a nut to even come up with a name like that yesterday!…But hmmm going by his overall resume I might as well reconsider giving him the job…we need crazy people like him in our company! Eh!
Cut
arun’s apartment
arun watching t.v
Phone rings
arun picks up the phone.
Arun: Yes Rembrandt industry…
Cut finis
Sunday, July 13, 2008
one celebrity and one in the making
so shaan came out real good with his third album 'tanha dil' which won him the mtv asia music awards for the best album. that was back then somewhere in 2000. and now yesterday(12/07/08) during the start of a talent hunt show's second season, i had the pleasure of meeting him for a star tv promotional event shoot along with aishik. aishik had to interview him while i had gone to help him with things. a nice feeling when you meet a celebrity...and when you are actually talking to them you can see that they are just normal people with glitzy clothes and a lot of make-up. thats the basic difference. shaan was a nice person to talk to. not at all arrogant and a very sprity and interesting person, someone who can yap and yap constantly, not a common trait in singers.
and who can tell whos the celebrity when you have me in the frame! just a sec...another kid askin for an autograph...will be ryt bk after signing her t-shirt...bye all...
Thursday, July 10, 2008
the f.r.i.e.n.d.s affair
do i stand good with something solid under the feet? should i hide behind a rock or bend and sway and excape the storm of difficulties that come my way, or should i walk towards it holding my flag high? for 'flag', i meant...my goals and my ambitions.
woah wait a sec... is this ross geller talking in my head again?
i am joey remember...the one with the food and the sleep. am i day dreaming?
"well chayan you are a number 7 and i think number 7s are either too ambitious or they are too laid back and relaxed." someone told me in class.
"so which one am i?" i asked.
"its for you to decide...its what you choose to be...you can be laid back and be happy about it or you can choose and make the quick sand under your feet stable"
i give a tiny little rats ass! i thought...why do they all have to say the same things put in different words?
so one day joey decides that he should be moving to a new apartment and be staying on his own for a while. its hard for him to say goodbye to his best friend chandler. but he stands his ground and decides that he should 'grow up' and 'move along':
JOEY: Can we drop this? I am not interested in the guy's apartment.
CHANDLER: Oh please, I saw the way you were checking out his mouldings. You want it.
JOEY: Why would I want another apartment, huh? I've already got an apartment that I love.
CHANDLER: Well it wouldn't kill you to say it once in a while.
JOEY: Alright, you want the truth? I'm thinkin' about it.
CHANDLER: What?
JOEY: I'm sorry. I'm 28 years old, I've never lived alone, and I'm finally at a place where I've got enough money that I don't need a roommate anymore.
CHANDLER: Woah, woah, woah. I don't need a roommate either, OK? I can afford to live here by myself. Ya know, I may have to bring in somebody once a week to lick the silverware.
JOEY: What're you gettin' so bent out of shape for, huh? It's not like we agreed to live together forever. We're not Bert and Ernie.
CHANDLER: Look, you know what? If this is the way you feel, then maybe you should take it.
JOEY: Well that's how I feel.
CHANDLER: Well then maybe you should take it.
JOEY: Well then maybe I will.
CHANDLER: Fine with me.
JOEY: Great. Then you'll be able to spend more quality time with your real friends, the spoons.
allright back to the point i never started...ahem...well what happened is, a friend adviced me:
"dude you know your weak points and you are brave enough to admit them, and something is 'terribly' good about it y'know?"he said.
i think:
being reserved is good. people keep on wondering whats wrong with you but when you come out good indeed, they still kinda keep on wondering how did you come out that neat!!
being patient is not always good...cause if u dont jump to conclusions sometimes, you might keep on waiting forever!!
and why the hell should you have to pretend to make people happy when they love you so much for what you actually are!!
"theres a child in every man"
it brings out their true nature. he becomes fearless. and has "i give a damn to the whole world whos watchin me" kind of an attitude.
when i was i child i didnt know abut the consequences if i did this and if i did that. i didnt know any rules. there was no fear within me. i did outrageous things as a child and those very thoughts scares the hell out of me now whenever i contemplate. but thats the way it is for everyone.
even for the all grown up brother and sister( ross-monica) duo's duel when ross comes over at monicas to be with his girlfriend rachel, who was putting up at monicas place:
MONICA: I wanna watch Entertainment Tonight.
ROSS: Tough noogies, we're watching Predators of the Serengetti.
RACHEL: Would you guys stop.
MONICA: It's my TV.
ROSS: Wha-, oh, quit it.
MONICA: Bite me.
RACHEL: Oh my God.
ROSS: Well, Monica keeps changin' the channel.
MONICA: Oh that's great, why don't you tell mommy on me.
RACHEL: Now I'm mommy in this little play? Alright look, I refuse to get sucked into this like, weird little Geller dimension thing OK. So I'm gonna go and take a nice long hot bubble bath because you kids are driving me crazy.
so there you go. a complete mixture of nothing...but so much to think about.
oh btw joey comes back in a couple of episodes when he learns the hard way that he's nothing w/o his best friends....so that is me actually...and i am so glad that joey is not so foolish afterall, eh? so its not that hard a thing to get ur point across huh? when u actually take your refuge in f.r.i.e.n.d.s
newe i will write some more of such random realities...just picking up just about any episode from my best f.r.i.e.n.d.s...and did i mention that my best friends are joey and phoebe? :)
woah wait a sec... is this ross geller talking in my head again?
i am joey remember...the one with the food and the sleep. am i day dreaming?
"well chayan you are a number 7 and i think number 7s are either too ambitious or they are too laid back and relaxed." someone told me in class.
"so which one am i?" i asked.
"its for you to decide...its what you choose to be...you can be laid back and be happy about it or you can choose and make the quick sand under your feet stable"
i give a tiny little rats ass! i thought...why do they all have to say the same things put in different words?
so one day joey decides that he should be moving to a new apartment and be staying on his own for a while. its hard for him to say goodbye to his best friend chandler. but he stands his ground and decides that he should 'grow up' and 'move along':
JOEY: Can we drop this? I am not interested in the guy's apartment.
CHANDLER: Oh please, I saw the way you were checking out his mouldings. You want it.
JOEY: Why would I want another apartment, huh? I've already got an apartment that I love.
CHANDLER: Well it wouldn't kill you to say it once in a while.
JOEY: Alright, you want the truth? I'm thinkin' about it.
CHANDLER: What?
JOEY: I'm sorry. I'm 28 years old, I've never lived alone, and I'm finally at a place where I've got enough money that I don't need a roommate anymore.
CHANDLER: Woah, woah, woah. I don't need a roommate either, OK? I can afford to live here by myself. Ya know, I may have to bring in somebody once a week to lick the silverware.
JOEY: What're you gettin' so bent out of shape for, huh? It's not like we agreed to live together forever. We're not Bert and Ernie.
CHANDLER: Look, you know what? If this is the way you feel, then maybe you should take it.
JOEY: Well that's how I feel.
CHANDLER: Well then maybe you should take it.
JOEY: Well then maybe I will.
CHANDLER: Fine with me.
JOEY: Great. Then you'll be able to spend more quality time with your real friends, the spoons.
allright back to the point i never started...ahem...well what happened is, a friend adviced me:
"dude you know your weak points and you are brave enough to admit them, and something is 'terribly' good about it y'know?"he said.
i think:
being reserved is good. people keep on wondering whats wrong with you but when you come out good indeed, they still kinda keep on wondering how did you come out that neat!!
being patient is not always good...cause if u dont jump to conclusions sometimes, you might keep on waiting forever!!
and why the hell should you have to pretend to make people happy when they love you so much for what you actually are!!
"theres a child in every man"
it brings out their true nature. he becomes fearless. and has "i give a damn to the whole world whos watchin me" kind of an attitude.
when i was i child i didnt know abut the consequences if i did this and if i did that. i didnt know any rules. there was no fear within me. i did outrageous things as a child and those very thoughts scares the hell out of me now whenever i contemplate. but thats the way it is for everyone.
even for the all grown up brother and sister( ross-monica) duo's duel when ross comes over at monicas to be with his girlfriend rachel, who was putting up at monicas place:
MONICA: I wanna watch Entertainment Tonight.
ROSS: Tough noogies, we're watching Predators of the Serengetti.
RACHEL: Would you guys stop.
MONICA: It's my TV.
ROSS: Wha-, oh, quit it.
MONICA: Bite me.
RACHEL: Oh my God.
ROSS: Well, Monica keeps changin' the channel.
MONICA: Oh that's great, why don't you tell mommy on me.
RACHEL: Now I'm mommy in this little play? Alright look, I refuse to get sucked into this like, weird little Geller dimension thing OK. So I'm gonna go and take a nice long hot bubble bath because you kids are driving me crazy.
so there you go. a complete mixture of nothing...but so much to think about.
oh btw joey comes back in a couple of episodes when he learns the hard way that he's nothing w/o his best friends....so that is me actually...and i am so glad that joey is not so foolish afterall, eh? so its not that hard a thing to get ur point across huh? when u actually take your refuge in f.r.i.e.n.d.s
newe i will write some more of such random realities...just picking up just about any episode from my best f.r.i.e.n.d.s...and did i mention that my best friends are joey and phoebe? :)
Friday, June 13, 2008
Summer Internship...and this heat...somebody send me to bratislava
Had to find one desperately... and found it rather easily...so i am working as an intern in tcp advertizing for my summer internships...and i m not hating it atall....well to begin with....i dont have the patience to think...and i am too lazy and too 'whatever' to work!! i hate to be dominated, i hate working...but i do like to chase my dreams...hmmm...in a very practical way...or maybe the word 'practical' to me is just a word! but i said 'maybe', who knows if i am actually a fool to even think that way...well this time i have to complete my quota of two months of internship....its wet, humid, boring, tiring...exhausting...boring..oh..did i mention boring twice??...newe, and not even a payment to be happy about...not that interns dont get paid but i somehow find myself doing social service!red fm was a horrible experience...sitting wid a radio all day to monitor channels...is that what you call 'job'? i would rather fly kites and sleep than this...come on!oh btw i am awesome at flying kites...and like getting tanned in the sun...DHOOP!!! yes i feel energized...i dont like the ac at all...i feel stuffy and irritated...i am a fan person...but look at me now...sitting in the ac all day with sheets of paper spread out infront of me...and a pen impringting my thoughts on the paper...but my mind is somewhere else...i am good at it...they say!!! i can draw and i can represent my thoughts with my drawings...!!! but my mind is still playing back the highlights of last nights match played b/w the french and the dutch...4-1 to the dutch, my team for the cup, how they did so well to beat the french...so cool oranje...and then the bsnl ad takes over from the dutch going beserk after the final whistle like a parallel montage sort of a thing...i fold the sheets of paper put my pen back in my pocket....work finished...job done...so i say to my boss..."sir ar parchi na...ebar bari jabo..."
Saturday, May 31, 2008
In college '07...
Sometimes feelings fail you of their meaning. I seldom feel so deep, so obscure. I was never stared at so diligently, so fervently…jealous to the other eyes, but I tried to pretend as I hadn’t seen anything at all. Happy, yet confused and conscious about the fact that some answers needed to be written on my answer script. But I held back my desire to look back.
I did quite well.
Next week my feelings sped away dangerously at perilous alleys, I talked nonsense to friends who never had ideas about my inner dialectical emotions. I seemed perfectly normal to them, while I was in another high, drooling over non-existent castles. I wrote poems, drew sketches of the soothing scent. I created life on paper with my creative yet scratchy pencil lines. I never felt so possessed before.
I never really got over the feeling. I would never want to either. I know its fate-less. But if that’s how feelings taste like then I am rather happy that it didn’t deceit me at all. I however don’t feel so much possessed now but the emotions continue. The jealous eyes still stare at us when I am looked at. I feel a bit hesitant, a bit defeated, a bit outdone by those precious little ogles. I don’t mind that at all.
I have not shared this with anyone, and I now feel I should write about it. It’s not cheap, not a fetish neither an obsession. But I will hold these feelings close to my heart, and you might see me smiling all by myself with my eyes tight shut, and correctly guess the reason for the happiness.
I did quite well.
Next week my feelings sped away dangerously at perilous alleys, I talked nonsense to friends who never had ideas about my inner dialectical emotions. I seemed perfectly normal to them, while I was in another high, drooling over non-existent castles. I wrote poems, drew sketches of the soothing scent. I created life on paper with my creative yet scratchy pencil lines. I never felt so possessed before.
I never really got over the feeling. I would never want to either. I know its fate-less. But if that’s how feelings taste like then I am rather happy that it didn’t deceit me at all. I however don’t feel so much possessed now but the emotions continue. The jealous eyes still stare at us when I am looked at. I feel a bit hesitant, a bit defeated, a bit outdone by those precious little ogles. I don’t mind that at all.
I have not shared this with anyone, and I now feel I should write about it. It’s not cheap, not a fetish neither an obsession. But I will hold these feelings close to my heart, and you might see me smiling all by myself with my eyes tight shut, and correctly guess the reason for the happiness.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
huh? :O!
i believe i can fly...
and hit an airplane in the sky...
fall back on a field of rye...
i believe i can fly...
and hit an airplane in the sky...
fall back on a field of rye...
i believe i can fly...
Sunday, April 20, 2008
ship
i am stranded on a desert shore
but i see a ship approaching me,
growing bigger and bigger in size
the gallant silhouette touches me.
i dont know how, but theres a smile
and my dream ends there abruptly...
i shut my eyes to dream again
but i wouldnt see the ship anymore,
it must have carried me in it
while i still waited on the shore.
i remember nothing beyond the dream
but there i was...
not stranded anymore...
but i see a ship approaching me,
growing bigger and bigger in size
the gallant silhouette touches me.
i dont know how, but theres a smile
and my dream ends there abruptly...
i shut my eyes to dream again
but i wouldnt see the ship anymore,
it must have carried me in it
while i still waited on the shore.
i remember nothing beyond the dream
but there i was...
not stranded anymore...
Friday, April 4, 2008
The Sine Curve
Did you ever come across a sine curve? If you have its fine, but if you have not then you better check out what it looks like cuz I don’t have the time to explain it to you. Anyway, last week I had the most bizarre time with friends at Santiniketan, we went there for a class trip to relax a bit after the mid semester exams. And would you believe if I told you that I stumbled on a sine curve on the trip? But ironically I did stumble on the funny thing!
Ok, so what happened was, we had the most filling lunch at Babli at around 3 ‘O clock…and then we thought ok lets roll some joints people!
Ahem ahem…not a joke…we literally did!
Harsh got his hash out and Neha occupied herself with grinding the solid…and Aishik,
Anirban, Neepa and I took a back seat and started yapping. Sneha yapped more and created noise so I shut my ears for a while and asked my tired brain to believe that she wasn’t there in the room. Hmmm bad try. It duznt happen that way….you gotta be high to do all that imagining stuff. Anyway the joint took 15 minutes of tiring effort to come to shape and we sat ourselves in a circle and passed the joint from left to right. S.R.C(proff) was right at the right side of the circle…oops I think I still have the hangover…correction, he was there somewhere on the right of me…and I looked on as he took a deep and solid drag and his eyes immediately turned cherry… “This is very strong, where did you get it from harsh?” he asked. “Sir this is not from here, I got it from Himachalpradesh.”
The joint kept on passing hands and twitchy lips, and I took it from aishik. I took a deep drag as sir just taught! And boy I swear I got an instant kick. I almost passed out before the joint made another circle back to me. I leaned myself on the wall and closed my eyes. Sima said from somewhere around me. “ iska toh ho gaya…hes out!”
I kinda smirked at her remark and fuck…I cudnt stop smirking. I felt that my cheek muscles were forcing my lips up and I swear they were acting on their own. I smirked nonstop for twenty seconds maybe! And then I suddenly felt a downward pull to my cheek muscles…and my face no more smirked but became sad! And this was when I got my first sine curve! I was in my rational senses…but my nerves were off their rockers!
Danish and Aishik, poor things, could only be jealous by looking at my condition and they continued with their drags on hash. I was like “don’t do it yaar…its good but not worth it…you are way better without the high…trust me!”
I quietly laid myself down in the frenzy and sima who was beside me didn’t mind. I was almost out then. I had this weird sensation running within me and I felt a bit giddy and imagined things. I was forgetting the words which I spoke just seconds back; and even before I could finish the sentence I would forget the beginning part of it. It was like ---if a, b and c were the parts of my sentence…then, by the time I was saying c, I had forgotten the first two parts a and b completely! So, for a change, I tried listening to what the others were saying, plus the techno rock tracks coming from harsh’s laptop catered even more to the trance! I had this sine curve going on for quite some time until I saw aishik going flat on the wall…” dude you okay?” I gently asked him…and he smirked at me in reply. I could perfectly place myself in his shoes...O, I was already in his shoes... remember?
And I asked him to share the pillow with me…and I dunno why I shouted in his ears “come to daddy, son...you will be alright” I could feel some suspicious eyes on us instantly, so I cleared the air by adding “yes in a very healthy way!”
And Danish who was almost green from the nonstop drags and a bit from jealousy on seeing asihik and me in a trance, dropped himself on the bed with a loud thump! His head hit the wall…and instead of nursing his bump he grinned with his eyes shut!
The seconds ticked by. The only sane people around were…farah, nupur(friend of sneha), opasona(a bit high on hash smoke in the room!), subha( god knows what hit her that she kept on hoola-hoping for 10 mins on our bed) and anushree( embarrassed to face the camera non-stop) and robin( the trip had only begun for him).
The sine curve was vanishing fast and I didn’t want it to go away, so I started explaining to aishik, what were the two types of bongs that I knew of. And that bloody doper was blabbering to himself abut the male and the female bongs ( bengali people) while I kept on correcting him abut the ‘smoking’ bong and the ‘Bengali’ bong. But this holy doper wouldn’t listen to me for fucks sake!
I sat up on the bed when I felt a little stable…but I kept wondering why was I being sad and humorous at the same time! And while I was still on with this useless argument, anirban decided that we should go and have a stroll outside and see the setting sun.
Amazing scene I must say! But I totally freaked out when this pathetic human started abusing a poor dog or bitch or whatever, “you bloody horny bitch you just molested me!” that I had no choice but to be forced back to my senses to calm this weirdo who was induced with the fake high!
hallelujah!
Ok, so what happened was, we had the most filling lunch at Babli at around 3 ‘O clock…and then we thought ok lets roll some joints people!
Ahem ahem…not a joke…we literally did!
Harsh got his hash out and Neha occupied herself with grinding the solid…and Aishik,
Anirban, Neepa and I took a back seat and started yapping. Sneha yapped more and created noise so I shut my ears for a while and asked my tired brain to believe that she wasn’t there in the room. Hmmm bad try. It duznt happen that way….you gotta be high to do all that imagining stuff. Anyway the joint took 15 minutes of tiring effort to come to shape and we sat ourselves in a circle and passed the joint from left to right. S.R.C(proff) was right at the right side of the circle…oops I think I still have the hangover…correction, he was there somewhere on the right of me…and I looked on as he took a deep and solid drag and his eyes immediately turned cherry… “This is very strong, where did you get it from harsh?” he asked. “Sir this is not from here, I got it from Himachalpradesh.”
The joint kept on passing hands and twitchy lips, and I took it from aishik. I took a deep drag as sir just taught! And boy I swear I got an instant kick. I almost passed out before the joint made another circle back to me. I leaned myself on the wall and closed my eyes. Sima said from somewhere around me. “ iska toh ho gaya…hes out!”
I kinda smirked at her remark and fuck…I cudnt stop smirking. I felt that my cheek muscles were forcing my lips up and I swear they were acting on their own. I smirked nonstop for twenty seconds maybe! And then I suddenly felt a downward pull to my cheek muscles…and my face no more smirked but became sad! And this was when I got my first sine curve! I was in my rational senses…but my nerves were off their rockers!
Danish and Aishik, poor things, could only be jealous by looking at my condition and they continued with their drags on hash. I was like “don’t do it yaar…its good but not worth it…you are way better without the high…trust me!”
I quietly laid myself down in the frenzy and sima who was beside me didn’t mind. I was almost out then. I had this weird sensation running within me and I felt a bit giddy and imagined things. I was forgetting the words which I spoke just seconds back; and even before I could finish the sentence I would forget the beginning part of it. It was like ---if a, b and c were the parts of my sentence…then, by the time I was saying c, I had forgotten the first two parts a and b completely! So, for a change, I tried listening to what the others were saying, plus the techno rock tracks coming from harsh’s laptop catered even more to the trance! I had this sine curve going on for quite some time until I saw aishik going flat on the wall…” dude you okay?” I gently asked him…and he smirked at me in reply. I could perfectly place myself in his shoes...O, I was already in his shoes... remember?
And I asked him to share the pillow with me…and I dunno why I shouted in his ears “come to daddy, son...you will be alright” I could feel some suspicious eyes on us instantly, so I cleared the air by adding “yes in a very healthy way!”
And Danish who was almost green from the nonstop drags and a bit from jealousy on seeing asihik and me in a trance, dropped himself on the bed with a loud thump! His head hit the wall…and instead of nursing his bump he grinned with his eyes shut!
The seconds ticked by. The only sane people around were…farah, nupur(friend of sneha), opasona(a bit high on hash smoke in the room!), subha( god knows what hit her that she kept on hoola-hoping for 10 mins on our bed) and anushree( embarrassed to face the camera non-stop) and robin( the trip had only begun for him).
The sine curve was vanishing fast and I didn’t want it to go away, so I started explaining to aishik, what were the two types of bongs that I knew of. And that bloody doper was blabbering to himself abut the male and the female bongs ( bengali people) while I kept on correcting him abut the ‘smoking’ bong and the ‘Bengali’ bong. But this holy doper wouldn’t listen to me for fucks sake!
I sat up on the bed when I felt a little stable…but I kept wondering why was I being sad and humorous at the same time! And while I was still on with this useless argument, anirban decided that we should go and have a stroll outside and see the setting sun.
Amazing scene I must say! But I totally freaked out when this pathetic human started abusing a poor dog or bitch or whatever, “you bloody horny bitch you just molested me!” that I had no choice but to be forced back to my senses to calm this weirdo who was induced with the fake high!
hallelujah!
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
A Lot New 2...
It was a funny feeling.
There were certain vibrations coming form somewhere not so far up, which were terribly exciting. The tympanic membranes vibrated as the metal chords cut across the air as we were carefully climbing up the stairs. We were greeted with a smoky and dark but still well lit up floydian environment. I could see a whitish door directly in front of us with some writings on it. And I slowly panned my vision to the rest of the contents; my eyes stopped at a grinning guy sitting smartly with an ax.
‘Monty this is Chayan”
I was introduced only with these four words as I went up to him, shook his hands, and sat myself down cozily on a chair next to him. And he happily handed me his ax and ordered me to play!
Man imagine this, you love a girl and her father asks you to ‘do whatever you want’ with her! I was a virgin if those beautifully carved bodies were to touch me! (And otherwise!)
I was stared at; by Slash and by Zack Wylde, by Kurt Cobain and by Ozzy Osbourne, and by so many gory and deathly faces from little paper windows all across the walls.
I happily slid my fingers allover the fret board and I could smell creation. I closed my eyes and could see little notes floating in the nothingness. Some were clear and perfectly shaped while the others were quite close to what they were supposed to be. I was playing the electric guitar for the very first time.
I thought I was good.
I felt so fresh and cleaned up.
And then I opened my eyes again, after playing through with Monty’s fourth curvy baby. He was still grinning. He must have seen the passion in my eyes. And then in a gentle voice said he, “you were quite good but now you need to change your way of playing completely and start it all over again”
The words were not at all harsh or painful. They contained meaning, more than what I could infer then.
There were certain vibrations coming form somewhere not so far up, which were terribly exciting. The tympanic membranes vibrated as the metal chords cut across the air as we were carefully climbing up the stairs. We were greeted with a smoky and dark but still well lit up floydian environment. I could see a whitish door directly in front of us with some writings on it. And I slowly panned my vision to the rest of the contents; my eyes stopped at a grinning guy sitting smartly with an ax.
‘Monty this is Chayan”
I was introduced only with these four words as I went up to him, shook his hands, and sat myself down cozily on a chair next to him. And he happily handed me his ax and ordered me to play!
Man imagine this, you love a girl and her father asks you to ‘do whatever you want’ with her! I was a virgin if those beautifully carved bodies were to touch me! (And otherwise!)
I was stared at; by Slash and by Zack Wylde, by Kurt Cobain and by Ozzy Osbourne, and by so many gory and deathly faces from little paper windows all across the walls.
I happily slid my fingers allover the fret board and I could smell creation. I closed my eyes and could see little notes floating in the nothingness. Some were clear and perfectly shaped while the others were quite close to what they were supposed to be. I was playing the electric guitar for the very first time.
I thought I was good.
I felt so fresh and cleaned up.
And then I opened my eyes again, after playing through with Monty’s fourth curvy baby. He was still grinning. He must have seen the passion in my eyes. And then in a gentle voice said he, “you were quite good but now you need to change your way of playing completely and start it all over again”
The words were not at all harsh or painful. They contained meaning, more than what I could infer then.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
A Lot New...
The birds were too quiet that morning and I cursed them again! I’d overslept.
It’s really not hard to answer why I am so lazy; some would say that I am too excited all the time when I am awake. As a result...yes I am lazy!
It was a chilly morning and I came out of the shower and I layered myself carefully with t-shirts...a black one, a white one...and a black one. It’s preferable that way...and yes I was looking awesome(AS ALWAYS!)Momma packed my lunch as I gorged on the breakfast, and in no time saw myself out of the house...I was off for college.
Neepa had made it clear, "Chayan if you don’t come tomorrow I will be very angry, Monty will not teach you, if you cant go to his place with me tomorrow". And I had grinned and nodded. She must have sweared at me for that impish face that I presented her with!
Ok so there I was, on my way to safeguard the vow. It was a long queue to the ticket punching machines. Office-goers, school children and many cranky looking and confused-innocent faces stared at me (god knows why?), as I scampered my way to the half working and half dead ticket punchers.
Shit! I missed the train by seconds and there I stood kicking and bitching as I grabbed some air in my bags after the quick sprint down and up the stairways to no effect! I was angry...mostly at the silly birds who didn’t shout enough that morning to unglue my sleepy eyes.
It’s a very long and boring walk to St. Xavier’s college from the Maidan metro station, and ironically it’s the shortest distance form the other metro stations or bus stops around. And I measured that the never-ending walk was covered in a record time of 7minutes and 09 secs.Though I wouldn’t call it a walk for I ran and I jogged and was even stopped at signals...but never walked!
I was too excited that day...and all my folks could see that on my face. But I refused to believe them. I thought I was behaving perfectly normal and neepa must have told them about my excitement for the new guitar classes.
People fantasize about different things everyday and in a way they are amazingly different from the fantasies they have had the previous day; and for me, today it was the mere thought that I would play the electric guitar for the first time...Aishik and I had other things to discuss when some Winny gal came in through the backdoor of the Socio class...I am tremendously crushed on her for a long time and I know she is all aware of the fact but, BUT let me now fucking leave that out for now and write abut other curvy bodies! What else guitars!
Well it was 2.45PM when our debate on 'which is the funniest part in a women’s body' ended when the bell rang and Neepa showed up. Robin and Anushree were cozying up in a corner when we decided that we should leave them alone to a much polluted and crazy world of cars and buses!
Aishik, neepa and I cabbed it till Monty's. And in the ride I was asked by a certain someone to keep myself limited to thoughts only, and not give them audible effects! And I was sadly finishing my lunch.
The cab took another right turn somewhere in Kidhirpore and we were there in the unknown. Rather Aishik and I were there in the unknown, while Neepa and the cabbie had been acquaintances. It was a smooth and easy journey and the cabbie even sang some Sindhi songs to our amusement! Anyway off we were from our yellow ride and I scampered along struggling to put the lid back on the lunch carrier!
There the dream was realized...ATLAST!
It’s really not hard to answer why I am so lazy; some would say that I am too excited all the time when I am awake. As a result...yes I am lazy!
It was a chilly morning and I came out of the shower and I layered myself carefully with t-shirts...a black one, a white one...and a black one. It’s preferable that way...and yes I was looking awesome(AS ALWAYS!)Momma packed my lunch as I gorged on the breakfast, and in no time saw myself out of the house...I was off for college.
Neepa had made it clear, "Chayan if you don’t come tomorrow I will be very angry, Monty will not teach you, if you cant go to his place with me tomorrow". And I had grinned and nodded. She must have sweared at me for that impish face that I presented her with!
Ok so there I was, on my way to safeguard the vow. It was a long queue to the ticket punching machines. Office-goers, school children and many cranky looking and confused-innocent faces stared at me (god knows why?), as I scampered my way to the half working and half dead ticket punchers.
Shit! I missed the train by seconds and there I stood kicking and bitching as I grabbed some air in my bags after the quick sprint down and up the stairways to no effect! I was angry...mostly at the silly birds who didn’t shout enough that morning to unglue my sleepy eyes.
It’s a very long and boring walk to St. Xavier’s college from the Maidan metro station, and ironically it’s the shortest distance form the other metro stations or bus stops around. And I measured that the never-ending walk was covered in a record time of 7minutes and 09 secs.Though I wouldn’t call it a walk for I ran and I jogged and was even stopped at signals...but never walked!
I was too excited that day...and all my folks could see that on my face. But I refused to believe them. I thought I was behaving perfectly normal and neepa must have told them about my excitement for the new guitar classes.
People fantasize about different things everyday and in a way they are amazingly different from the fantasies they have had the previous day; and for me, today it was the mere thought that I would play the electric guitar for the first time...Aishik and I had other things to discuss when some Winny gal came in through the backdoor of the Socio class...I am tremendously crushed on her for a long time and I know she is all aware of the fact but, BUT let me now fucking leave that out for now and write abut other curvy bodies! What else guitars!
Well it was 2.45PM when our debate on 'which is the funniest part in a women’s body' ended when the bell rang and Neepa showed up. Robin and Anushree were cozying up in a corner when we decided that we should leave them alone to a much polluted and crazy world of cars and buses!
Aishik, neepa and I cabbed it till Monty's. And in the ride I was asked by a certain someone to keep myself limited to thoughts only, and not give them audible effects! And I was sadly finishing my lunch.
The cab took another right turn somewhere in Kidhirpore and we were there in the unknown. Rather Aishik and I were there in the unknown, while Neepa and the cabbie had been acquaintances. It was a smooth and easy journey and the cabbie even sang some Sindhi songs to our amusement! Anyway off we were from our yellow ride and I scampered along struggling to put the lid back on the lunch carrier!
There the dream was realized...ATLAST!
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